Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
