would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
