I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
