look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
