i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
