my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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