I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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