i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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