Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Terrible idea I love it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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