Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I would ride that face into the sunset
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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