do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
