you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
