i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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