you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
