if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
