i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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