So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
