I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
