I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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