nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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