I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
