my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
