Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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