i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i believe in u and ur pee
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
