I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
