Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It was like getting head from an anaconda
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
