Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
