Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
