my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
