Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
