Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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