he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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