You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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