This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
