Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
