I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
