I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
