whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
