I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
