from now on my penis is your penis
I'm eating all of the evidence.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i wish my penis had a tongue
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
