you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
