I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So vagazzling was a success
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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