I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
