I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
