I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
