everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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