Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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