so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
