Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
