she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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