So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
