Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
