mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
